How to praise mistakes: a challenge for all
If you lean toward the self-critical or perfectionist side of life you probably read this title and think I am crazy. Why the hell would you praise your mistakes. Isn’t being hard on yourself what makes you grow?
I remember sitting in a meeting once and someone said, “If there is a mistake in this it is not mine.” Thinking it was a joke a responded, “Yeah I like to blame my mistakes too.” The person looked me dead in the eye and said “no I really don’t make mistakes.” Opps. I guess it wasn’t a joke. If this is you and you really don’t make mistakes this articles probably isn’t going to speak to you.
I do make mistakes and I believe most of us make mistakes at some point in our lives. No matter how hard you work toward perfection there is fallibility in being human. The problem is if your goal is perfection it is going to be very easy to be self-critical when the inevitable mistake happens. This self-criticism can start to develop anxiety and depression over time. Some people think this self-criticism is what motivates them, and maybe it does. Let me tell you after years of working in the mental health field I can tell you that motivation often comes with some really nasty consequences. It can manifest as anxious about the future, your worth, or your identity. It can also manifest as feeling low, depressed, or burnt out and not understanding why.
What if instead you made a goal to make mistakes. Stay with me here. I am not saying you should start half assing stuff so that mistakes are everywhere. If you are challenging yourself, you are more likely to make a mistake because the task is new and has more to learn. If your goal is to try something until you make mistakes then you can learn from that mistake and continue to grow and challenge yourself. If you goal is perfectionism it is easier to stay where you are comfortable so that you are less likely to make mistakes, or stay hard on yourself when you do challenge.
My young daughter told me the other day that she was going to try until she is proud. How neat is that. You get to try and try hard. You get to challenge yourself. You get to feel proud. AND you get to ask for help when you need it and you get to make mistakes and let them be what they are- mistakes- that’s it.
As someone who puts her keys somewhere weird and has to find them at least once a week I can tell you not all mistakes are ones you can learn from. However, being mean to myself about it does not help either. It just makes me feel crummy which is likely to make me bummed out and a little more scattered and so the cycle begins. I can accept that I can get distracted easily by kids and life and that this is a message to slow down. It’s a wake up call more than a message that I am screwing up.
Reframing mistakes can be a very powerful skill. I make it sounds easy. When there is anxiety and/or depression in your life this skill be like climbing Mount Everest. So start small. Give yourself permission to make small mistakes and when you notice them allow them space to be what they are, proof that you are living in challenge. Exhale when you notice the mistake and allow it to give you information. When you slow things down just a little and reframe the purpose of mistakes in your life. You can still grow and learn without the negativity. Explore what it feels like to embrace the fallibility of being human.
Your identity does not have to be in your perfection or your mistakes. Your identity can be outside of both of these. Your identity can be your values, the rolls you have in your life that you love, the strengths you see in yourself and how you use them. Give yourself permission to build identity outside of perfection vrs mistakes. It’s a lot of work but can be a very freeing process.
